Wed-Mania

It is a truth universally acknowledged that people take you for a ride when it comes to weddings. The very word ‘wedding’ cannot be said in public without a nearby cash register sounding off with a ‘cha ching’. You are vulnerable. You want to put on a good show. Vendors know this and they exploit it. Let’s start with the frock. You make appointments at the big shops to try things on to get a sense of what looks good on you. (All of the bridal mags suggest this as a first step. Ladies, they are in on the conspiracy.) Then you find one. It costs nearly $5000. It makes you cry when you try it on. You come out of the change room and your mother chimes in with the water works and it is all over. The sales assistant is mentally tallying up her commission and spending the money as we speak.

But NO! You’re a smart girl. This is too much money! This is silly. You’re not even changing your name, for Christ’s sake. You walk away. It’s like you’ve been torn from your child. But you push ahead. You valiantly attend bridal clearance sales where they make you wait outside with a number, coz last year two crazy bitches ended up in fisticuffs OVER A DRESS. You bravely try on things that might be nice if they weren’t stained, torn, rumpled, and covered in some other woman’s makeup You try to visualise what the dress will look like if all of these things could be fixed. But the other dress MADE YOU CRY, and so you leave. They’ve got you over a barrel. You may not have spent your whole life planning this day, but you now have a very specific idea about what you would like to look like AND IT ALL REVOLVES AROUND THAT *&$%#@^% DRESS!

If you get really stuck, a quick Internet search will reveal that you can buy a gown based on your favourite Disney Princess. I am not kidding. The people who created the concept need to reinforce that this is your ‘princess moment’, your ‘happy every after’ where a dashing prince will draw his sword and ride away with you into the sunset where you will live in the woods at one with nature. It’s crap like this that spins the average Australian wedding into the $50,000 plus-bridezilla-out-of-control-category. But back to Disney Bridal; Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Belle, Jasmine, Ariel and Giselle all make an appearance, each with their distinctive style. (I’ll let Jezebel rip this to shreds for you, but I’m a big fan of the way they’ve used a blonde model for Cinderella, but the Jasmine girl is dark and exotic. Ugh.) Incidentally, the Jasmine collection is described thus: ‘A new world awaits Jasmine as she follows her heart and finds true love. Here, fairy tale wishes take flight and happily ever after becomes the greatest adventure.
This enchanting collection reflects Jasmine’s bohemian spirit. Gowns drape in chiffon and satin. Exotic details include clustered beadwork, appliqué lace and just a touch of wanderlust.’ They know that we’re adults, right?

Then there are the things you never knew you needed. Take the Facebook ads for companies looking to cash in on the information you’ve revealed in your status updates. (Thanks for those privacy settings!) At the time of writing, the: ‘Shape Clinic’s Bridal Rejuvenation Facial Treatment – book your treatment now to make sure you look your best on your wedding day!’ is making an appearance. As is the Myer Bridal Gift Registry. The best one is 'Boudoir Image: Vintage French inspired sensual art for your home'. Apparently, as a gift for my future husband on our wedding day, I have to go and have a photo session costing big bucks where I strip off and pose like a 70s porn star in a barn in some inner Sydney suburb. When do I give him this gift? On the morning of our wedding with the bridal party standing around? Where will we display these photos? This is out of control! Can’t I just get him a wallet? And thus – the tone of our wedding hath been set!